Children Being Bullied - Changing the Narrative
Being bullied is hard, but watching someone you love go through it is worse. Growing up as a kid, I accepted being bullied as a way of life. I did not have the resources to ask for help. Nor did my parents nor I openly talk about it. The mentality I grew up with was to “suck it up” and carry on with life. I was constantly reminded that life challenges us and assumed being bullied was one of those challenges. I transformed myself to avoid being picked on; I started speaking and acting differently, so I did not get picked on. I did not realize that, deep down, I was losing my sense of self-worth and outsourcing my need for validation. “If others accepted me, then I must be good enough” was the narrative I started using to define my life. Unfortunately, this narrative carried into my adult life and presented itself in almost all my relationships; I constantly sought validation from others at work, home, or with friends.
After going through hours of therapy, reading book after book, journaling, reflecting, meditating and changing my thought patterns, I have finally started to see the damage I did to my well-being and sense of self by seeking validation from others. But I still fall into that rut of scarcity and “not being good enough,” which is okay because that is also a test. It’s easy to do all that work and shame ourselves for making mistakes. The shame spiral sucks us down like a vortex, and we fall out of alignment with ourselves. While working on identifying my negative thought patterns and healing the childhood narratives has been a continuous and arduous journey, the reminder to have compassion for myself for reverting to my old self is equally crucial. Because if we cannot speak with ourselves with kindness or compassion in those moments, we let the same voice take over, which is the voice we need to silence.
Interestingly enough, while I was going through another one of my shame spirals, my son was experiencing being bullied right in front of my eyes. It was tough to watch him experience it and navigate the whole situation. I had to find the right balance because I do not want my son to feel like I will bail him out, and in all reality, I will not always be there when he’s in the schoolyard, at the hockey rink or hanging with his friends. But I also want him to know I will always be there to listen to and support him. I did intervene when I felt my son was responding as a bully because I did not want him to think that was acceptable or an appropriate way to respond, I could tell he was frustrated, and he even said this to me: “Dad, you’re the one who has told me to stand up for myself.” That was another testing moment for me, and rather than feeling shame, I clarified for him: “Yes, but bullying someone back is not standing up for yourself. You are doing the same thing that you are upset with. So, how can you handle this situation differently?” I watched my son navigate the situation the entire day; most of the time, he fought back the tears and witnessing all that was excruciating.
The next day, I felt it was vital to let my son know that he could talk to me about these things. But I had to model that support for him. Fortunately, I had been reading a lot of Brene Brown and better-understood shame and how to approach people with empathy. I needed to sit in the hole with my son and allow him to feel seen and heard. Like most boys who grow up to be men, my son struggles with expressing his emotions or admitting when he is experiencing negative emotions. So when I probed him about the situation the day prior and how he felt, he fought back the tears and denied feeling anything negative. I tried a couple of times, and rather than forcing the conversation, I pivoted. I used some of the things I had recently learned about empathy and did not say anything judgemental while showing him I understood how he felt. I briefly talked about experiencing bullying as a child and how I wished I had people to talk to. I then told him that no matter what, he should remember that his mom and I love him unconditionally, and he is a beautiful child. I also explained to him that bullies get bullied and often pick on others to make themselves feel better or because they are threatened. Neither of which makes it okay, but it helps us understand the pain the bully might be bringing forward, and all we can do is not take it personally and have compassion for the bully. I also told him that it is easier said than done and even harder to remember now, but we should always come back to it as a reminder. While I was saying all this, tears were dropping out of his eyes. I asked him for a hug and told him I would always listen to him and be a sounding board if he wanted to open up or talk about these things.
All the emotions showed me that what I said landed on him even though he never actually talked to me about it before he left to go to his mom’s. I think his speaking up or telling me what he was feeling was perhaps a form of validation I needed in the past, and it is something I have pushed on him before. This time I figured I would tell him that he has someone who understands and is willing to listen if he ever needed to talk. Is that not what we all want?
Looking back, I know I could have handled the situation differently, and there are many areas for improvement. Perhaps I could have escaped my shame cycle earlier and been more present for him. Perhaps I could have said something different or cried with him. But that hindsight game is what has caused me to stay in shame and feel regret. I realized if I wanted to model a different version for my son to emulate, I needed to embody that. I held space for him and sat in the hole with him, and I believe the impact of just that was profound. While my son did not express his hurt or gratitude in words, he expressed the hurt through his tears and his gratitude through his smile and love for me when we hung out that day. When he is ready, he knows there is someone who understands his pain and is willing to listen to him without judgment. That is sometimes the most powerful thing we can do for our kids!
